Pervert
by FlipperSquirrel of Doom
Summary: Jack PLUS CarterPete PDA EQUALS Gertrude


Disclaimer: We don't own anything, and we are poor college students so you won't get much for sueing

"So" Teal'c inquired, "What film do we wish to view this evening?"

"Well" Jack said, "I think we should go see that cheap flick they are showing. Galaxy Quest. I always wanted to see that."

"What no new testosterone packed, explosion riddled, adrenaline coated action flick?"

Daniel questioned

" I agree with O'Neill Daniel Jackson, said, "The film entertains adults and children alike."

Daniel sighed," Come on they are showing "Has Anybody Seen Canada: The History of Canadian Movies."

"Well, I have always been curious about our brethren to the north." Teal'c stated

"Danny Boy, Is this by chance a documentary?" Jack asked

"Well...yes but it's supposed to be a really good movie" Daniel answered in a huff.

Jack looked Daniel in the face and rolled his eyes. Daniel just sighed

"Unfortunately Daniel Jackson I do not think that film would satisfy O'Neill's inner child. His attention span will only hold for something meant to amuse children"

"Yeah Spacemonkey T's right" Jack agreed. Then realizing what he agreed to. "Hey..." Jack trailed off but lost his indignance because Teal'c truly was correct.

" Alright Teal'c you have a point, Jack does have the attention span of a gnat." Daniel smiled enjoying the opportunity to jibe Jack. "So Galaxy Quest it is." The two began to walk off leaving Jack in his confused semi indignant state.

"That's just soooo wrong." Jack said as they turn out of view for the box office while hurrying to catch up.

Jack found Daniel and Teal'c standing outside the theater. "Finally" Jack said seeing the two of them. As Jack walked up to the two men, Teal'c spoke

"Daniel Jackson I require sustenance. May we proceed to the food court?"

"Alright Teal'c, Jack go on in and find us some seats."

"Uh...sure...thanks for waiting by the way." As Daniel and Teal'c start to walk away Jack yelled " Hey pick me up some Juju Bees at the concession stand and I might just forgive you for the gnat incident!"

"Daniel Jackson, isn't it a food court?"

" Well no Teal'c they call it a concession stand."

" But isn't a court in the shape of a square? And it sells food items...so therefore a food court" They trailed out of hearing range, Jack just shook his head in amusement and went to save some seats.

As Jack walked into the theater brooding in his own thoughts, he found the theater empty except for a couple sitting at the front. He found 3 seats in the middle of the theater and sat down putting his feet up, watching the couple up front make out and giggle.

"Man I hope they don't giggle during the whole movie" Jack thought. He then continued to watch the PDA and thought to himself admiring the blond female end of the couple " Man of course if I were him I'd be doing the same thing. I would have my hands all ov.... OH MY GOD THAT'S CARTER!" his mind screamed. Jack then jumped up out of his seat, which conveniently for his pride looked like he was moving for his returning companions.

"Hey Jack while your up lets move a little closer...I really can't see from this far back." Daniel said handing Jack the candy and balancing his drink the size of a small child. Teal'c raised his eyebrow and they all shuffled closer to the screen and the couple containing Carter.

As they all sat down Jack had his eyes and ears trained on Carter and who Jack realized must be Pete. He began to eaves drop while waiting for the movie to begin.

"So Pete, I really think we should consider getting a kitten" Jack heard Carter say. " I really miss having a cat, Shrodinger was such a wonderful animal" She trailed off then Jack got distracted by Daniel who, now that the previews began decided he needed to use the restroom.

"Sorry Jack" Daniel said stepping over Jacks feet and leaning on the chairs in front of them. Jack just glared at Daniel, a tad miffed because he just had to take his concentration of Carter and her very important conversation she was having with Petey the human vacuum. Jack strained again to hear the conversation.

"Yeah they put all the ones they want to ripen in a room and pump it full of Ethylene to

make them ripen when they want them, that's the beauty of the whole process." Carter said

excitedly, using her hands to make wide gestures that almost hit Pete in the head.

"Whoa...Say what?...damn she missed" Jack thought. He then leaned over to Teal'c and asked, "Hey did they just say they gas kittens to make them ripen?"

" No O'Neill, they are now speaking of produce. Now the previews have began and I wish to view them."

"Oh...right..sorry T." Jack looked surprised at Teal'c and had one more thought pop into his head. " Hey T..One more thing...don't you think that Pete looks like that guy off of the dog food commercials...you know "hi my name is Steve Spinedorff and I only feed my puppy Purina"?"

"No O'Neill, he looks more like the gentleman from the allergy commercials. And for that matter O'Neill, Daniel Jackson resembles that fellow from an episode of New Outer Limits" Teal'c stated this just as Daniel walked up.

" Yeah right Teal'c and Jack looks like that guy off of McGyver." He said as he crawled over them to his seat just in time for the movie to begin.

Throughout the movie Jack couldn't concentrate on anything other than the sickening sweet tonsil hockey pro players two rows in front. "Geez, I'm going to go into diabetic shock any minute now." Jack thought as the couple kissed for the gazillionth time in the span of 5 minutes. Just as Pete reached up to nibble on Carters ear, Jack heard "That's just not right" coming from the big screen. "Amen to that brother" he thought. Jack then said " I gotta get out of here." as he vaulted over Teal'c to get out. "Sorry T...I gotta pee."

"You should have visited the restrooms before the movie began O'Neill."

"Yeah well...Just seeing Danny boy suckle that drink makes my bladder hurt." Jack said on his way out of the theater.

"Geeze," Jack thought. "I can't believe Carter would play a game of suck face in public like that…The theatre is pretty much devoid of life but still…" He pushed open the restroom door, his mind lost inside itself. Jack walked right into the ladies restroom and smack into an irate woman wearing a bowling shirt.

Once he realized what he had done Jack backed away from the red face woman.

"What are you doing in here PERVERT?!" she wailed.

"Huh- ooh! He stuttered as he noticed the name on the woman's shirt was Gertrude. "Gertrude, I'm uh sorry didn't think…. This…."

"You didn't think what? You'd get caught?! PERVERT!" To punctuate the word pervert she smacked him with her purse. "You think you could waltz in here and have a look at old Gertrude? Huh PERVERT?" She smacked him with her purse upon the word pervert.

"No ma'am, I would never look at you Gertrude!" Jack stated trying to shield himself from her blows.

"Oh! So I'm not attractive enough even for a PERVERT **smack** like **smack** you **smack**?" She yelled.

Jack finally was able to turn around, Gertrude smacking him all the while. Unfortunately for him he proceeded to slip on a patch of lubricant. He went careening into a nearby trashcan sending various feminine products flying into the air.

While lying on the floor, being kicked by Gertrude, who continued to shout PERVERT, Jack heard a familiar voice say, "Come here often sir?"

Gertrude looked at Carter. Jack got a brief reprieve from kicks as she asked Carter, "You Know this PERVERT?" She said with one last kick at Jack.

"Sadly ma'am, yes. He's um… special." She added bending down to help O'Neill in his plight. "I'll take care of him… you enjoy your movie."

Gertrude vacated tisking as she did so, while Carter pulled Jack to his feet.

"Um… Sir." She said, "You have some um 'thing' on your shoulder." She pointed to one of the feminine products that had briefly learned to fly.

Jack look to his shoulder and proceeded to wiggle until it flopped like a dead fish to the cluttered floor. "Hey Carter… You know that whatever happens in the bathroom, stays in the bathroom… right?"

"Yes Sir." She grinned. "Though… it would be great to recreate it for the Christmas Party…"

Jack considered it for a second. "No way Carter… Let's just stick with Daniel's escapades per usual shall we."

After a semi-awkward silent stare, "Well, sir now that you've been rescued do you mind if a lady uses a restroom? I am guessing that you have better things to do then hang around the womens bathroom."

"Oh, uh… right…" He turned to leave.

"Oh and sir. Tell Daniel and Teal'c 'hello' for me." She said as Jack pushed open the door. "See you on Monday… and try and actually _enjoy_ the rest of the movie."


End file.
